Enlightened Boy at the School for Bad Girls

Dear Acolyte thank you for your continued interest in matters spiritual and welcome to another lesson from the Leader of the Church of the Blue Moon, The Exulted One. My intention here is to instill in you the notion that you may escape the bonds of ignorance through hard work, study, and meditative thought. Oh that I were given the helping hand that reaches out to you, my Acolyte. My years of AIMLESS WANDERING, have taken a toll but I find your youth and energy healing. For that I Bless and thank you. Bless you, Acolyte!

This lesson entails that period of my young life whence I escaped the evil clutches of the Captain of the Polar Cyst. Yes, I was washed ashore, but I was cleansed not only by the surf of the salty sea, but cleansed by the faith of my newly founded religion, the Church of the Blue Moon. I did ingest a substantial amount of salt water, to dramatic effect, I might add, but never mind that. I was made pure and wholesome, and my eyes were opened to the wonder of the Universe.

Not far from that rocky shore where the sea spit me out, wrapped in seaweed and scratched by barnacles, was, a small village. Looking closer, I realized it was not a village, but rather a very large home or school where school age girls were dashing about. It seemed a safe refuge for a boy thrown upon the shore of a cruel coast of Pirates and evil mariners. I would scout around and find a safe camp.

Darkness fell and by then the effects of my shipboard diet of Norway Rat and the swallowed salt water was creating a distress in my bowels. lucky for me, there was a full moon that night enabling me to find a private spot to seek relief.

No sooner did I drop my tattered trousers and assume the position, as it were, a loud and raucous cackle emerged from the direction of the school. By the pitch an timbre of the voice I could tell it was a teenage girl, first one then several joining in. Mocking, screaming and poking girlish arms out of the barred windows of the 4 story tower. Life with Ma had conditioned me early that all embarrassment was pointless and I was her best student. Ma's solution to a problem was to hurl a beer bottle at it and that seemed to work for her. I didn't need enemies just then so I ignored the girls and slipped quietly into the shrubbery.

I found a nice clear spot next to the substantial iron fence and fell into a deep sleep. Morning came and I awoke with a start when a girl inside the fence, poked me with a very long stick.

" Wake up, freak", she whispered with the hiss of a viper. "I need you to take a note to my boyfriend!" I looked at her, she looked at me and I looked at the sandwich she was nibbling on. We made sort of an animal agreement then and there and my career as a messenger started at the end of a pointy stick.

The deal was, essentially, I do what ever the girls wanted in exchange for food. Mostly, I was sent into the real village to hunt down their boy friends, give them notes, and always be a spy. The work suited me just fine. I started putting on weight.

Besides delivering little notes, sometimes the girls would send me to pick up odd items at the little stores in town. Once I had to bring in some cleaning supplies for the girls. As a punishment, they were often required to clean their entire rather Gothic habitat with tooth brushes and the like. The girls would save countless hours with more practical tools of the trade. Life was good!

One fateful day, Girl 89065 edged close to the fence where I was concealed under my favorite bush. I knew there was going to be trouble. Girl 89065 worked for Girl 63208R. Apparently the "R" referred to a prior runaway situation long before I showed up. Girl 63208R was a big, tall, scary girl and always had some hapless girl doing little "favors" for her. Anyway, the flunky girl worked her way over to me pretending to snip errant blades of grass with a pair of rounded kiddie scissors. That how they did it at the "School.", snip here, snip there, snip, snip, snip.

Girl 63208R glared at me from a distance while -65 handed me the note and I took my instructions. I know that if I slipped up, I might never eat again or, perhaps, would be speared through the fence. Whatever it was, I had to do it.

Naturally, the evil one was working hard on my merry little assignment. I had to go over to the School for Bad Boys, and deliver the note! "You know I can't go over there!", I cried pointlessly to -65. Being a bit small of stature, and no one really knowing my true age, they'd grab me and I'd wind up a lifer in there!

I went! I skirted around town and positioned myself along the fence, waiting until the boys came out of the barracks for "Yard time" I didn't know the boys as well as the girls so I was at a disadvantage. All I know was that the message was supposed to go to Boy 1955H, the "H" was supposed to stand for homicide according to legend among the girls. My knees were knocking together, I was so scarred.

I was supposed to look for the biggest, meanest looking boy at The School for Bad Boys, that'd be the right one and then I could see the number sewed on his coveralls. That was the plan. You couldn't just yell. If I did, it would be a over in less time than it took Ma to drain a six pack. I tossed a pebble and bonked the huge teen right on the side of his head. He turned and I swear his eyes glowed red even in the sunlight! With barely a nod, four or five of the town's most wicked boys jumped up out of the bushes and grabbed me. They ripped the balled up, sweaty note from my hand. It was a setup! These boys were fresh out on probation and owed a lot of favors to somebody.

I bonked the wrong boy on the head with the pebble! Boy 1955H wasn't quite the tallest, huskiest boy, just the one most like to slit your throat! Clutching the note, the boys dragged me to a small forested area near the school. I knew if I even barely squeaked, it would be curtains! The boys puzzled over the note, they couldn't make it out! Maybe my sweaty hands made the ink run, or perhaps, they just couldn't read that well, I never found out. Nevertheless, there was something on that bit of paper that made the leader of the town boys crazy mad and he started for me with huge hands outstretched. "I'll rip your little a..."

With a tremendous leap into a thorny hedge, a rough slide down a rocky hill, and the aid of a passing turnip truck. I managed to escape my once peaceful abode. Once again, there was no looking back. Now with a more mature understanding of life I see that the lesson is that even confusion can be a Blessing from on high.

"How is that possible, Exulted One, we don't understand?"

"That is how it works, son, that's how it works! Bless you!!!

"But...?"

From the desk of the Exulted One

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